Growth. Abundance.

Assalamualaikum,

A pang of an unwanted feeling came over me last night as I tried to call it a day in bed. I recalled the moments when I thought I was a free bird– my wings spread wide, and flying high in ecstasy. I could go wherever I wanted, I could meet and talk to whoever I wanted, and did whatever I felt like doing. For me, those things made me happy, kept me going and de-stressed me if not more.

My walk on memory lane also reminded me the ephemeral feel of that whole emancipation and liberation. I remember asking myself if I would ever stop, if those feelings would last for long, if I would actually keep doing them. It was as if I was a joke. It was as if I would want to stay that young, full of vigor. A sense of regret and shame washed over me whenever I did.

Alhamdulillah for this gradual return regardless. I feel I had to maintain distance from people, because I feel my emotions are always at stake. Truth be told, I have never been happier and calm and composed as I am now, doing what I should be doing, fulfilling my purpose here as much as I can.

Yet last night got me wandering off path. Some moments in my life began to resurface and I admit it: there is that part of me that misses the whole insanity. That part of me begins to ask why I am going “off course”, all in for this different change, whether or not I am sincere and fully convinced.

I am scared of going back there, really. I have seen myself at my lowest and my worst, and much to my dismay some people have known that about me. I am scared if they would question and doubt this person I have chosen to become, because I don’t think anyone would ever see me come to this. Nauzubillah, I don’t want to go back there again.

At times, I feel that the girl I used to know, the girl way back then then– she is slowly becoming a stranger to me. She reminds me of where I fear to be– going beyond boundaries and going off track from where I am happy, where I should be.

Then today it hit me: the hardest part of change is letting go of what once meant so much. The greatest part of change?

All the good it brings.

I have to say, everything behind me makes so much more sense now. Alhamdulillah.

Assalamualaikum,

Alhamdulillah after a few weeks being incommunicado via Facetime, I finally got to talk to my family. Alhamdulillah, it came at a time when everything almost feels at ease because I am now on my spring break (sorry Michigan kids, my weekends start on Thursdays this final semester hehe), and I have just finished midterms. Alhamdulillah, it went smoothly with His help. The essay question is rather interesting:

“Discuss the structure, lingustics, and thematic features of the Qur’an, taking into consideration the historical context/s and period/s in which it was revealed. How and when was the Qur’an codified?”

MasyaAllah. It reminds me of the hadith that said, “The affairs of the believers are strange… everything is good for him.” and in this case, I’m learning more, despite the fact that the class is on an introductory level. For me, I’m just glad that I’ve come to understand things bit by bit through my own experience. Alhamdulillah, the class has been a good opportunity for da’wah and muhasabah, especially when there are things you know and don’t know respectively. It works both ways, masyaAllah.

Last night I kind of rambled a bit too much with my parents, as I usually do :p but one thing that struck me is how open the path for improvement has been. SubhanAllah. Hasn’t it been said before that if one makes the affairs of the deen easier for himself, Allah will make the affairs of the person easier? I’m seeing it  right before me… I think He is definitely on to something. What’s more, my mom has been incessantly reminding me about destiny and fate and all. She drove home the point which I’ve heard a week ago: QaddarAllah. It is Allah’s decree.

My friends and I have been talking (or shall I say, slightly worrying lol) about the concern to get married and have kids. Of course, we know the benefits of it are just immense and greatly rewarded by Him, but we also understand the responsbility. For me personally, I’m like, “Oh yes, the halal way, and love after marriage is just amazing” but boy did I sorely forget… my family. In the search of His mercy and looking for the right person, I forgot the blessing I have close to me… my family. My responsibility to my mom– she has been getting a lot of “Mommy~” tones from me because I’m just being a princess like that haha– has not been fulfilled before someone else takes over. And as for my dad– astaghfirullah, I have closed one eye to the fact that the father AND the brother of a woman bears the sins of the woman who lets the world see her illegitimately. It did not affect me as much as it does now. How stubborn this heart is. sigh.My brother once asked me questions that I am too ashamed to answer really. Smart boy, but you know what they say, a gentle reminder coming from a pure sound heart can tug at your heartstrings even slightly.

I know too well that I love them, but come to think of it, I forgot to love them the way I should– for His sake, and to save them in the next. And here I am wanting to get married and settle down as soon as I can. So selfish, isn’t it? I want to avoid sinning in that way, but at the same time I am missing out on the blessing to make my own parents and family happy. All these thoughts brought me to think of the evenings out on my own, and thinking I am exercising my independence as a college lady coming home from the summer. Don’t get me wrong– I ask permission whenever I am out, but I am letting the world see me too openly. I strip away the mystery that I hold in high regard.

We all keep hearing this, that Allah’s blessings lie in the parents’ blessing. For us hopeful ladies, too often we relate that to a prospective marriage. But I’m starting to see it differently now. I suppose I do get the blessing for everything else they have allowed me to do, but in neglecting part of my responsibility and my obligation to them, I have yet to earn it for them to let me go. I don’t know how true this is, but perhaps our actions may have closed many other doors of rizq for our parents. Guess we need to remind ourselves that it’s not always about us all the time, yeah?